OF COURSE you picked green. I look horrible in green.
1. The second you agree to be a bridesmaid, you will begin to experience that slow sinking feeling of regret.
2. The dress the bride picked out will not flatter your body type.
3. The bride will ask for your honest opinion on something and you will be forced to lie, lie, lie.
4. You will forfeit your sacred weekends for engagement parties, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, and wedding planning.
5. And you will get inappropriately drunk during at least one of these events.
6. You will have to pretend to be excited about banal things, like centerpieces and floral arrangements.
7. You will be pressured to make uncomfortable small talk with relatives of the bride.
8. You will consume a penis.
9. You will spend two to three times as much money as you budgeted.
10. You will see a side of the bride that you didn’t know existed.
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11. You will see a side of yourself you didn’t know existed.
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12. At a very low point you will fantasize about doing this:
13. You will chip your nail polish the day of the wedding.
14. Your makeup will not come out how you imagined it would.
15. Neither will your hair.
16. You will forget to do something during the ceremony, like walk slowly, hold your flowers at your bellybutton, or fix the bride’s train.
17. You will smile for so many pictures that you will forget how to work your own face.
18. Your brand new heels will destroy your feet.
19. You will be so busy before the ceremony that you will forget to eat and show up to the reception a voracious lion.
20. You will have to help the bride, a grown woman, go to the bathroom because she spent a month’s pay on a dress she can’t move in.
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21. You will be asked to do something corny and embarrassing during the reception and you will grin and bear it.
22. You will wonder why anyone in their right mind gets married.
23. Then the bride will look so incredibly stunning that you will be speechless.
24. And the wedding will be so beautiful that you will change your mind.
25. You will forget tissues and ruin your makeup from all the happy-crying.
26. You will have an unforgettable time and feel strangely honored to be a part of it all.
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